Sunday Evening

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I've been struggling with self confidence, and self love within myself. A huge part of that stems from my struggle with math in college. I'm going to get really personal with you guys right now. I'm in my fourth year at community college, which is intended to be completed in two years. Now I know life happens, and that it's common to not complete it in the 2 year span but I didn't think I would still be attending Columbus State, four years later. My first three semesters I was a real slacker, I didn't take that many courses and I didn't take it that seriously. I'm sure I would be done by now if I had been more motivated, or maybe I would still be right where I am now. 

Well in December of 2018 was when I had planned to graduate. I put in my request off from work the day of my graduation day, I had it all planned out. I was excited. I held off on taking math because I figured it's my worst subject so why not take it when I'm almost near the end? I've been taking math since January of 2018, January. I've struggled in every possible way with retaining the information, with understanding, comprehending, just the entire thing as a whole. Failing math for the 3rd time last semester, really broke me. I felt hopeless, pathetic and just sad inside. I couldn't understand how I could struggle so hard with one class. What made it worse was this is it, this is all I need to graduate. You know how hard it to know that your almost at the finish line, but the finish line still seems so far away?

Fast forward to this semester,  I'm taking a math course that solely focuses on me completing my ALEKS pie. If you don't know what ALEKS is I honestly, don't have the time of getting into the logistics of that right now. Let's just say I spend so much time with ALEKS that you would think we were in a relationship. I'm getting off track now, anyway I took the knowledge check and after completion it told me I had retained no topics. Nothing. Nada. I felt like my heart had sunken inside of my chest. I felt the world stop. At that very moment, I lost all hope. All hope in me had been flushed down the drain. Well not completely flushed, because I still made the effort to reach out to my professor on the issue and how I just really needed to pass this course.

We met up and she told me to treat my home environment, and anywhere I work on ALEKS at as a testing center. Don't look back on my notes and try remembering the information on my own. She said that would help me see where I'm truly struggling. A friend of mine suggested I "teach" her math. Which by saying the explanations and things out loud would help me with retaining information. Let me just say they both were very right. I took another knowledge check at my friends and it said I had mastered 22 topics! Which is a serious upgrade from the previous none I had before. I'm taking it day, by day. But I will pass this course, I believe so. I have an amazing support system and a God who I know is there for me every step of the way. This blog is much longer, than any of my others but I wanted you guys to really understand. I can't wait until I'm done with this class, I will keep you updated on my progress throughout future posts. Until next time, my loves. 

The Risk

Have you ever had someone come into your life, and completely change the way you look at life? You see things differently when you're around them. It’s as if their very presence is a light in all of the darkness that is around you.  The way that this person can make you feel is beyond words. No matter how hard you try to explain the way you feel, it’s like the words refuse to come out. Then again even if the words did come, would it even matter ?

Maybe it would, but your too afraid to speak. You're too afraid to let them know how your feeling, because you don't know the response you would get back. Even if you did get a good response, the universe would find a way to mess it all up. Take a look around you, everything is falling down like a bunch of dominoes, one by one . So you keep your feelings locked up inside your heart. You chain it inside the box, every emotion, every feeling, you push it away.

If you were to even allow yourself to feel all of what was inside that box, it would make it real. The last thing that you want is for that feeling to become real, because that would make you vulnerable. That means that you're allowing yourself to feel something that you don’t want to feel. something you don’t believe exists.  Maybe you're making the wrong decision, but you don’t even care.

Yeah, it’s a confusing feeling, a complicated feeling, an indescribable feeling. The one thing about this feeling is even though you know it's a wrong feeling, you still want so bad to feel it. It’s like you're on this diet, and there is this delicious slice of cheesecake sitting on a plate. Now you know you're not supposed to have the cheesecake, but it just looks so good.  You know that it's going to taste amazing, but you also know if you even take one bite of it, you're going to want to devour the whole entire thing.

Than you’ve cheated on your diet, and it goes straight down the toilet. The minute you had that cheesecake you can’t resist it anymore, you just keep coming back for more.  And you're not sure if you're ready to take that chance, to risk everything that you’ve put the effort into building up. But maybe, just maybe you're willing to take that risk, and that scares you more than you anything.