Saturday Evening

So it's been a while, since I've written an entry. My apologies I have been very busy with school and work. This week I have been on Spring Break. Do you know how nice it is, to not have to worry about homework? Not have to worry about deadlines, things being due, rushing, etc. Let me just say it's been beautiful. Today has been a really great day. I smiled a lot today and it's been a while since I've smiled that much. I won't get too much into the details about it, maybe in my next entry.  An update on my math, I have a little over 70 more topics to complete before I finish my ALEKS pie. I haven't worked or practiced on ALEKS at all this week, I think that's going to be the hardest thing about my spring break coming to an end. These last couple of topics are when it's the hardest. I'm still keeping the faith that I will finish off strong. I hope all of you guys have been doing well. Until next time, my loves. 

Sunday Evening

These past two weeks have been a roller coaster for me. I've been struggling with self confidence, and self love within myself. A huge part of that stems from my struggle with math in college. I'm going to get really personal with you guys right now. I'm in my fourth year at community college, which is intended to be completed in two years. Now I know life happens, and that it's common to not complete it in the 2 year span but I didn't think I would still be attending Columbus State, four years later. My first three semesters I was a real slacker, I didn't take that many courses and I didn't take it that seriously. I'm sure I would be done by now if I had been more motivated, or maybe I would still be right where I am now. 

Well in December of 2018 was when I had planned to graduate. I put in my request off from work the day of my graduation day, I had it all planned out. I was excited. I held off on taking math because I figured it's my worst subject so why not take it when I'm almost near the end? I've been taking math since January of 2018, January. I've struggled in every possible way with retaining the information, with understanding, comprehending, just the entire thing as a whole. Failing math for the 3rd time last semester, really broke me. I felt hopeless, pathetic and just sad inside. I couldn't understand how I could struggle so hard with one class. What made it worse was this is it, this is all I need to graduate. You know how hard it to know that your almost at the finish line, but the finish line still seems so far away?

Fast forward to this semester,  I'm taking a math course that solely focuses on me completing my ALEKS pie. If you don't know what ALEKS is I honestly, don't have the time of getting into the logistics of that right now. Let's just say I spend so much time with ALEKS that you would think we were in a relationship. I'm getting off track now, anyway I took the knowledge check and after completion it told me I had retained no topics. Nothing. Nada. I felt like my heart had sunken inside of my chest. I felt the world stop. At that very moment, I lost all hope. All hope in me had been flushed down the drain. Well not completely flushed, because I still made the effort to reach out to my professor on the issue and how I just really needed to pass this course.

We met up and she told me to treat my home environment, and anywhere I work on ALEKS at as a testing center. Don't look back on my notes and try remembering the information on my own. She said that would help me see where I'm truly struggling. A friend of mine suggested I "teach" her math. Which by saying the explanations and things out loud would help me with retaining information. Let me just say they both were very right. I took another knowledge check at my friends and it said I had mastered 22 topics! Which is a serious upgrade from the previous none I had before. I'm taking it day, by day. But I will pass this course, I believe so. I have an amazing support system and a God who I know is there for me every step of the way. This blog is much longer, than any of my others but I wanted you guys to really understand. I can't wait until I'm done with this class, I will keep you updated on my progress throughout future posts. Until next time, my loves. 

The Risk

Have you ever had someone come into your life, and completely change the way you look at life? You see things differently when you're around them. It’s as if their very presence is a light in all of the darkness that is around you.  The way that this person can make you feel is beyond words. No matter how hard you try to explain the way you feel, it’s like the words refuse to come out. Then again even if the words did come, would it even matter ?

Maybe it would, but your too afraid to speak. You're too afraid to let them know how your feeling, because you don't know the response you would get back. Even if you did get a good response, the universe would find a way to mess it all up. Take a look around you, everything is falling down like a bunch of dominoes, one by one . So you keep your feelings locked up inside your heart. You chain it inside the box, every emotion, every feeling, you push it away.

If you were to even allow yourself to feel all of what was inside that box, it would make it real. The last thing that you want is for that feeling to become real, because that would make you vulnerable. That means that you're allowing yourself to feel something that you don’t want to feel. something you don’t believe exists.  Maybe you're making the wrong decision, but you don’t even care.

Yeah, it’s a confusing feeling, a complicated feeling, an indescribable feeling. The one thing about this feeling is even though you know it's a wrong feeling, you still want so bad to feel it. It’s like you're on this diet, and there is this delicious slice of cheesecake sitting on a plate. Now you know you're not supposed to have the cheesecake, but it just looks so good.  You know that it's going to taste amazing, but you also know if you even take one bite of it, you're going to want to devour the whole entire thing.

Than you’ve cheated on your diet, and it goes straight down the toilet. The minute you had that cheesecake you can’t resist it anymore, you just keep coming back for more.  And you're not sure if you're ready to take that chance, to risk everything that you’ve put the effort into building up. But maybe, just maybe you're willing to take that risk, and that scares you more than you anything.

Life

People come into your life for a reason. Whether it be just for a season, a moment or a lifetime. Each person has a different impact on your life. Some may touch your heart, where others may leave a scar on it.Some come into your life to help you face your fears where others help bring fear into it. Some help you climb your obstacles whereas other add onto them. The point is that everyone is different. Each person who comes into your life has a different purpose, different traits, and different mindsets. You can't hold one person to the faults of another. You can't treat one person the same way you would another. Now don't get me wrong people should be treated equal. But also keep in mind that trust is something that should be earned not given freely to be abused. You need to evaluate each person who enters your life. Look at their traits, figure out their mindset and that will help you figure out their purpose in your life. People will hurt you, that's inevitable. But it's up to you to decide whether that person will hurt you in a way that makes you stronger or weaker. Life's a beautiful thing, so don't waste yours on someone who won't add to the beauty in your life.

Hard Day

Today's been a difficult day. Being a teachers means that I work with children who come from all different backgrounds, upbringings, cultures, etc. It means that I encounter different personalities all in one day and have to learn how to deal with each one. Children are unique, they don't see the world the way that adults do. Except for when they do. I'm currently dealing with a situation where there are these kids whose lives are difficult. Things aren't easy for them. While some children get to look through the world with rose colored glasses on, others do not. Some children don't get to just be children. Being a teacher has exposed me to how hard things can be for certain children, who come from a certain lifestyle. The last couple days, and today, and the next upcoming days are going to be hard. Have you ever just wished you could take someone's pain away? I have to believe that things will get better though, I must keep the faith. Until next time, my loves. 

Hello, again

Hey Everyone. It's been so long since I've posted an entry. In all honesty, I forgot all about this blog. It's been five, almost six years since my last post. The last time you guys heard from me I was a sophomore in high school. Fast forward to 2019, I'm currently a college student majoring in Early Childhood Education. I graduated from my high school with the Class of 2015. I haven't changed too much since then, well my grammar has definitely improved greatly, so that's a plus for you guys. I still am writing, but not as much as I used to though. It's crazy how busy life gets when you have to start " adulting".  I sorta kinda have a college assignment due that I think I should get started on. I won't ghost on you guys like I did last time. It feels good to be back. Until next time, my loves. 

As I Am

So i get told by a lot of people that i'm different. That i don't act like how others act like.Sometimes people say its a good thing but sometimes people say it isn't. People always think that everyone is supposed to be what they want them to be.I refuse to be somebody i'm not for somebody else.I will not try and be somebody that i am not.I am who I am and I love myself just the way I am.What you get is exactly what you see.I don't have the perfect body or the best looks.I do not look like a Victoria Secret model or a Megan Fox.I look like Michelle.And that is all i can look like.I am not going to change my looks, personality or size to fix anyone's image of what they prefer of me.You can accept me for who i am or you don't.Honestly,it doesn't make a difference to me.